"The Secret Diversions of the Faerie Queene (Before Such Terms Meant What They Mean)"

by Marlon Hurt

[What follows: a playwright's brief digression following a conversation about the political ramifications of a Queen Elizabeth I pregnancy for 16th Century England and the countries of the European continent (the Spanish excepted, owing to a cultural disinterest in locating and making use of the proper reproductive orifice), weighed against the likely libido of a healthy woman. At curtain's rise:]

ELIZABETH I, aka Gloriana, aka the Faerie Queene, stands bent over, face out, a lustrous blue dress pulled up to her waist by ROBERT (ROBIN) DUDLEY, EARL OF LEICESTER. He stands behind her, gripping her hips. Both grunt in steady rhythm, pig-like, as he sodomizes her.

Their English accents are exquisite.

ELIZABETH
What's this interest in the back door you men always seem to share?

ROBIN
It's a matter of courtesy, my queen; I have no desire to besmirch your honor.

ELIZABETH
Such—-
(grunts)
—chivalry.

ROBIN
It has its precedents. How do you think Mary gave birth to the Christ-child while remaining a virgin? God designed the lay-out, after all. He would have keys to the servants' quarters.

ELIZABETH
Except it's meant to be an exit. This is a defiance of the natural order.

ROBIN
So is a miracle, my queen. You might think of this as divine intervention.

ELIZABETH
You call this a miracle?

ROBIN
Perhaps nothing so glorious as that, I grant. Though in some circles this is indeed considered a religious experience. But I apologize, would you rather I let you lie back and think of England?

ELIZABETH
In fact, I was hoping this would distract me from thoughts of England.

A TOUR GUIDE enters, followed by a group of camera-clad, brightly dressed tourists. Elizabeth and Robin continue.

ROBIN
Something troubles you, my queen?

ELIZABETH
The same thing that's troubled me all this past month.

ROBIN
Piles?

ELIZABETH
Gloucester.

ROBIN
The two aren't so different, really.

ELIZABETH
I've lately noted the resemblance.

The guide stops in front of the mid-coital monarch. The tourists snap shots and coo.

TOUR GUIDE
And here we have the magnificent blue dress the Queen wore to greet the Duke of Alençon to discuss his marriage proposal.

ELIZABETH
I cannot tolerate it further.

ROBIN
Would you prefer I climax?

ELIZABETH
I meant Gloucester's veiled sedition. His desire to maneuver behind me is not as admirable as your own.

TOUR GUIDE
In fact, the Queen had many suitors over the course of her 46 years in power.

ROBIN
Your interest in my staying on moves me greatly, my liege.

ELIZABETH
It does indeed—-
(grunts)
—-move something.

TOUR GUIDE
But scholars believe her heart always belonged to Robert Dudley, the Earl of Leicester.

SMALL AMERICAN GIRL
(removing finger from nose so she may speak through it)
Hey, what're those little white stains on the front of her dr—-

Here ends the author's imaginative investment in the scenario, seeing as any reference to Clinton's penis—however elliptical—constitutes a breach of the Godwin's Law of our time.

Polite applause.