Dispatches From The Writer's Strike

Kayla Lourdes

November 10

Day Whatever. I lost track before it began. It's 58 degrees outside the Paramount lot, and Damon Lindelof is slumming it in his parka. God, if only I was allowed to pick up a pen; the things I'd write about me beating out of him... I bet those numbers are just some joke about the lottery. Fag.

November 12

Flew over to New York. Lived most of my life in Nebraska, so I understand ACTUAL cold; listening to Jay Leno's writers about how they'd like to burn Leno's Porsches for heat while the needle never dipped below 52 degrees made me want to switch over to CBS after the news. Schaffer's schtick is funnier than those pussies. Anyway, I find myself glad for switching coasts. Tina Fey is stirring MY 30 Rock...

November 13

As the new "guy," bought bagels for everybody. That poser Seinfeld stopped by and ridiculed me for bringing a small plate of lox. I'm sorry, Jerry, if you don't have the manual dexterity to serve lox on a bagel whilst simultaneously walking a picket line. Tina seems to be doing just fine. In fact, she's deftly handling the napkin I just handed her. Married with kids? So was Giuliani. Suck it.

November 16

Disaster. Not only has Tina learned of my "secret" infatuation [Adam Kay, where the FUCK did YOU come from?], but Mindless Liberal Automaton #8 from "The Daily Show" stumbled upon my draft for my buddy comedy starring W. and Karl Rove: "W" alk The [Coke] Line. They were writing jokes about it at Antonio's on Tenth. They got taped by Channel 4's Pat Battle. How is THAT not breaking strike?

November 20

Back after a few days of lying low. Talks of a return to the bargaining table. Brought Tina a squeaky rubber duckie for her kid, and a cupcake for her. Dropped the cupcake while pretending to feed it to the rubber duckie. She actually said: "I'm not sure what's going on, Kayla, but I'm married with kids."

We'll see, Tin'. We'll see.

November 27

Guys from Conan's show are talking about sabotaging the tree-lighting ceremony, and the guys who write Chuck are going along with it 'cause they want to be cool. But Tina's not diggin' it. She's biting her lip in that seductive, "God, I wish my face hadn't been mauled by a dog, 'cause I'd be able to display an increased level of concern" way.

November 28

The tree lighting. What's that?

Oh, MY GOD–

to be continued...