Beijing, CHINA—World leaders, statesmen, and media personnel issued a joint statement today as the Olympics kicked into high gear.
"We, the important people of the world, have jointly kissed China's ass, and we would like to report that it tastes quite nice on our lips. We felt it had a strong flavor of soy sauce, a staple of Chinese cuisine stretching back generations in this terrific land of people and opportunity which has absolutely nothing wrong with it. Some of our members also detected hints of ginger, sesame, and freedom."
The statement was delivered to the press by the hosts of the Today Show, sporting fancy new hats in the style that Chairman Mao once preferred. Its reading was followed by an observation of a moment of silent reflection on how great China's ass must have tasted.
The announcement was not without its detractors. "I myself kissed China's ass recently," said President Bush, "and I don't know what they're talking about. It tasted good, sure, but it tasted like steaks and opportunity."
"The President merely meant to clarify his own personal feelings of the subject of the glory of the taste of China's ass," White House Press Secretary Dana Perino quickly added, "not to imply that there is anything wrong with China."
"I hope that one day, the great Chinese people will see fit to let me kiss their ass, individually and with great pride," Barack Obama said as he answered questions in front of a statue made entirely of ham in Iowa. "But I cannot condone the kissing of the collective Chinese ass, as I feel it gives too much power to an oppressive regime. However, I would welcome the opportunity to lick China's ass, just for the purposes of determining whether or not it is as tasty as they say."
Dignitaries from across the globe have been lining up to see the Olympics and taste China's magnificent ass. Officials from the PRC had no comment, although one stressed, off the record, that China's ass, "tastes more of sesame and lilac than of soy, as we switched soaps recently."