An Endorsement Clarified: Yellowdog Progressive Stands His Ground Against Ice Harpy, Fried Oreos, Etc.

Wythe Marschall

I would now like to contextualize my official endorsement of the Sen., or rather of his Steely Jaw, whose smooth, burnished skin—pulled over an even, balanced substructure—should reflect our individual torch-lights of liberty, creating one last, great jaw-beacon of progress and humanism in our increasingly dark, dubiously "free" era; an era when madmen pay fellow madmen for their failures; when we are at war in the hills of Pakistan as well as in Afghanistan and Iraq; when the diadem of the "leader of the free world" may fall upon the brow of a man who admits he does not understand economics; when that man's choice of running mate is not only unqualified but unbelievable; when America is split down the middle; when teen pregnancy is lauded, schooling despised, precedent ignored, war made inevitable and inescapable, connection with the larger world made impossible, and hope suspect.

Let me begin what I hope will be a short if not cheery essay with a link to another man's words on the topic of Gov. Palin, whom I shall call "the Ice Harpy" or simply IH henceforth. Roger Cohen, in The New York Times, explains why McCadaverous and his Ice Harpy are poor choices for president and vice president. They don't get it, "it" being the larger world. They believe America is apart, better, superior—exceptional.

America may be a great nation, but great nations are not empires; great nations—morally great nations—look like republics and must both engage fellow republics and set examples for those nations still enmired in despostisms, whether secular or religious, petty or brutal. America can be the America of example-setting or of excuse-making; we can inspire democracy or drive it into the graveyard dirt. McCan't and IH don't get it. Period. I try to remain open to debate on the matter of McCrab's vileness, but it's difficult; too, I am not hugely confident that Obama will unify mankind and restore America to whatever heights she may or may not have reached in previous eras.

I am hugely enormously confident that choosing Obama—given that the race has boiled down (yet again) to a simple binary Dem. vs. Rep.—is the right thing to do.

If the last paragraphs were too vague, let me lean on another Times writer, the never-dowdy Maureen Dowd, speaking through the lens of Aaron Sorkin. Their team-up op-ed echoes Cohen's, adding an extra dash of humor and taking about twice as many words to get to its point—largely the same point as Cohen's, that the Ice Harpy/Levi Johnson/moose-burger America is exceptional not because of its moral brilliance, but due to its insistence that anyone who offers a competing vision for America need take a fucking hike.

Here's Dowd/Sorkin, speaking via fictional ex-president Jed Bartlet, on why Obama is being "slammed" as an elitist, as a smart-guy, as a qualified, focused individual (and not, hyuk, hyuk, another Dancing With The Stars-watching, fried beef-sucking slob), my emphasis:

...the idea of American exceptionalism doesn't extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.

I see here a danger, a visible, non-hyperbolic danger. Dowd jokes; allow me to turn off the funny for a second and reiterate: McClaw/Harpy is the wrong choice. Stopping them is the right choice. Voting is one way to try to stop them. I'm not sure they'll be stopped by a mere vote; Bush wasn't, twice. I'm not saying the same GOP goons who injected America with a heaping uncut helping of Bush II won't tamper with the 08 vote; I'm sure they'll try. But I'm also sure voting for Obama is a great way to try to stop McCrank legally, sans bullet, sans poverty-fueled race riot, sans the secession of California or Arizona or Vermont or New Hampshire.

So, yes, I endorse Obama's Steely Jaw. I am interested in his victory. I could list "Obama trouncing McCancer" under "Interests" on Facebook et al, right after "words" and "gray cats."

I am not interested at this time in developing American pluralism. Americans in many states don't seem to trust science, humanism, logic, evolution, nature, economic or environmental regulation, or schooling; why, in the revered name of Ben Franklin, should they suddenly, out of the goodness of their minuscule, American Idol-fried cockles, choose pluralism over a two-party system? (And here I point out that the Dem. Party exists at the Center; the GOP to the Right: What Left exists in a land devoid of universal healthcare, of market regulations?) I don't care to speculate upon Mayor Bloomberg's merits or demerits, though I laud Ed. Vargas for doing so. I don't care to delve into who I think should run for what (Alan Moore and Kusama Yayoi, for Galactic High Arbiter and Vice GHA; Kool Keith, for Laser-Master). I do care about the upcoming election. I want Obama to win.

I want Obama to win so that McPain does not win.

I want Obama to win so that a black man is president.

Most of all, I want Obama to win so that the Ice Harpy is not vice president. She is a Stalin, a Hitler in the making. I do not mince words. Her church believes vile things about good people. Let me cut to the goods:

She's afraid of witchcraft. WTF is wrong with witchcraft? Witchcraft is Catholicism, Evangelism, Pentecostalism, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Shinto, Hinduism, Jainism, etc. Witchcraft is incense, singing, chanting, praying, deifying concepts, codifying what should and should not be eaten, etc. Trying to hack reality. Witchcraft for a group = a cult. Witchcraft for a large group = a religion. (And, I'm sorry, but Satan does not want Sarah Palin because she's un-fucking-qualified.)

She's not a fan of the gays. I have gay friends. I know, thanks to science, that it's perfectly 100% A-okay to be gay. We shouldn't even be debating that.

She's barely educated. The world is grand and confusing. I believe in education. Sorry if that's "elitist." Education creates leaders, lovers, artists, builders, men and women of socially useful passion, citizens with ethics to lean upon, questioners, and questers. Our leaders should inspire us or at least know that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. A general studies major with no club affiliations who winds up in sportscasting, briefly, before riding a GOP ticket to decade's long political obscurity [does-not-equal sign] a leader with a sound education.

She's not going to be good to the environment. She is a functionary of the oil cartel. A stooge. A tool for mostly white, mostly Southern men with oil money, looking to buy up more oily land. Bears, terns, fish: Be warned.

She's not good for women. Hilarious! I know, I know. Charging rape victims for the kits used to prove they were raped? Really? Golly, that's so absurd I can't craft a single sentence more about it without my brains liquefying and running out into my coffee.

But, despite all of the above, she's lauded by her fellow mooseburger Americans. Lauded because of her "sexy librarian" costume. Not a good reason to laud a politician, a world leader. Perhaps a good reason to laud a librarian, or one's girlfriend, after a long day, when only sex on the floor will satisfy. But not a good reason to laud a wannabe veep. Frankly, looks don't matter. I jestingly laud Obama's Steely Jaw, so I understand the temptation to talk about looks and equate them with inner characteristics. But please, sexy librarian-ness and jaw-steel aside, don't imagine for a second that "she/he looks like me/better than me" is a good reason for electing anyone.

To conclude my verbal assault on her: She, the Ice Harpy, is a joke. A bad joke. She's not making me laugh right now. I hear trombones, waugh-waaaaaghhh, following her every inanity. She says she doesn't know the Bush Doctrine, waugh-waaaaaaaaaghhhhh. She says she's proud of her seventeen-year-old boning some deer-fucker, sans Trojan. Waugh-waaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh. Iris in, Porky-the-Pig-style, on her constipatory anger-smile, her thin lips like fjords in the hateful coast of the Ice Giants. Cut to: Blackness.

Out of the blackness, fade up, slowly, slowly, an image of Ice Harpy America, or Harpylandia, as I'll call it:

Welcum 2 Merca! Now peeple be dwelled in corn-manufacturd huts and eats only beef and another red muscle mammal. Banking prove two complex now a function of individual wallet: Either they has moneys and can has spend it, or needs to deposit some in that wallet, right away, hoo boy ROFL. Scools are be named Jesus Frontier Heaven Preparatory Camps. Condoms, verbal skills, wiches, and bein Mexican is being outlawed. Etc.

I fear this America. I hate this America. This is not the America I know or love.

I realize now that I'm not appealing to the "Center," which I largely see as the Right, anywho. I'm not appealing with evidence, which anti-intellectuals largely disdain, anyway. Without dressing it up: There are two Americas, and I want mine to win. Mine's not the America of nonstop TV or Creation stories in schools or unregulated markets. Mine's any other America. Same old slow-decline Center-Right one-party America? Fine, let's go there. Let's lose our edge(s) to China and India and Europe; I'm down with that plan. Better than shooting ourselves in the fucking collective face by electing McConfused and IH.

My vote, I baldly state, is an anti-vote.

Now, I have not explained evidentially my loathing of McCorpse; it's multifaceted, but let a link relating his stance on our pitiful economy suffice.

Let his position as a faux-maverick lobbyist-handjob-giver suffice. He's a "maverick" the way Chinese milk is "safe" or David Spade is "funny." He's a maverick only thanks to his constant insistence that he's a maverick. By those standards, John Lennon was a walrus; Vladimir Lenin was the People; Napoleon was the State; and both Kool Keith and myself are sex-powered robots from the far future. The only guys to use this solipsistic standard of ipseity and get away with it are CB4, Chris Rock's fictionalized version of NWA in the hilarious movie CB4: They announce that they're black, y'all, blackerthanblack, black black, black, y'all. And we don't doubt them. McColdfleshofthedamnedspottedwithflies announces he's a different-doin', not-on-the-Take maverick and proceeds to give handjobs to lobbyists like it was his job to give handjobs to lobbyists. He's a walrus, maybe, but no maverick.

Let his tortured stance on torture suffice; from Wikipedia, my emphases:

McCain, whose six years of captivity and torture in Vietnam made him a national celebrity, negotiated (in September 2006) a compromise in the Senate for the Military Commissions Act of 2006, suspending habeas corpus provisions for anyone deemed by the Executive Branch an "unlawful enemy combatant" and barring them from challenging their detentions in court. Coming on the heels of a Supreme Court decision adverse to the White House, McCain's compromise gave a retroactive, nine-year immunity to U.S. officials who authorized, ordered, or committed acts of torture and abuse, and permitted the use of statements obtained through torture to be used in military tribunals so long as the abuse took place by December 30, 2005.

And these matters mightn't be aired in public, since he doesn't want to debate Obama's Steely Jaw, or should I say "doesn't want to lose in a debate w/OSJ."

To conclude my too, too brief assault on McCauloverthestillbornbabyofhope: He's not as qualified, inspired, inspiring, smart, experienced, or prepared as Obama. Obama has governed a large number of people, resolved a huge number of crises, and worked with leaders from around the world. McCrying has pretended to do some of those things, spoken often of his record as the kind of leader who is captured by the enemy, tortured, and later becomes of an advocate of torture himself, and generally given money to himself and lobbyists, but in a way that is somehow holier than the way everyone else in D.C. (Obama included) does so. In the way a "maverick" would give money to lobbyists.

Yes, Obama was against the war in Iraq, even when it was popular for Dems. to advocate for war.

Yes, McCaveman was for the war and is still for the war, even though we know Saddam had no WMDs, even though we don't have the money to fight, even though we need desperately to figure out what the freaking flying fuck is going to happen to Afghanistan, even though we don't help the Iraqis who help us, even though we have neither earned nor deserved anyone's trust in the Middle East for a long time.

These last two are powerful reasons, alone, to vote for Obama. But since the emergence of the Ice Harpy, I have not spoken often on the topic of war. Wars come and go. Our upcoming, unwinnable wars against Russia and Iran are going to be waaay more interesting than our Quixotean project in Iraq, anyhow.

What could last and last, interestingly, is the mysterious appeal of a young "sexy-librarian" ex-sportscaster who shoots living beings for fun, loves her very anthropomorphic/close-hearted Jesus a little too much, and has no actual policy to speak of, just a bunch of platitudes and a smile for the bewildered Katie Couric.

Long after McCog's last cog has made its last revolution inside his frozen, mechanical heart—after the swearing-in ceremony, after the ceremonial fried oreos—the Ice Harpy may screech triumphant to a mysteriously enthralled crowd of Midwesterners in SECURITY tee-shirts and relaxed-fit American Eagle jeans and knock-off aviators. She may spread her icicle-tipped wings and look up to her empty god, hoping no one don't witchcraft her nothing too bad as she sends U.S. carriers into Russian waters, into the Arabian Sea. The White House roses will shift ominously in the sirocco of yet another globally warmed hurricane. The reporters will smile, dazed and confused as ever, as incompetent and helpless as the Americans who rely on them...

Please, America, don't give up on hope. Don't give up on freedom and democracy.

Vote Obama's Steely Jaw.

And for fuck's sake, ask your local and national political reps to propose the end of the electoral college. That shit is wack, y'all.