Matter Now Illegal On Intercontinental Flights

ALIR Wire Services

WASHINGTON, DC – On the heels of fresh terror(ist) warnings issued by both the Office of Homeland Security and Britain's M13, transatlantic airport security has now banned solids, gases, and most exotic plasmas from carry-on luggage and passenger cabins. Bose-Einstein condensates, second-generation muon-neutrinos, and any form of combustible matter that is already on fire will be allowed onto major commercial flights provided that the Hadron Supercollider is up and running in 2007 for careful inspection of every elementary particle with a valid boarding pass.

Any passenger found carrying the Higgs Boson will be delayed extensively and asked to provide proof of his or her citizenship and/or existence.