Things To Protect, In Addition To One's Neck
Wythe Marschall
Family jewels
Other types of jewels
Lucrative simpatico relationship with local deli sandwich guy ("Double Cheese" Adnan)
Social standing at the elementary school where you work as the computer aide, where, at any moment, seemingly for any reason, an off-hand remark about how not to browse the internet (i.e., via an endless series of new windows in Internet Explorer 4.1) might cause your immediate superior to burst into tears, depriving you of that valued monitoring spot near the back of the gym on Fitness Day, when all you want to do is hide as quickly and efficiently as possible from both the hordes of ravaging, toga-sporting sixth graders (this year's theme: Frank Miller's 300) and the other staff, all of whom seem to be living out their violent marauding-/volleyball-related fantasies vicariously through their "Spartan" students, one of whom just jabbed your foot pretty hard with a plastic spear
Collection of Tone-Loc handbills and slightly bent CD jackets ('89 was a great year for music)
Ziploc bag full of concentrated cranberry and "tigerweed" pills you got from Mrs. Park, your aging landlady, who believes you are the unintentionally malicious reincarnation of her dead husband, Mr. Park
Mr. Park's purpley-black toupee (found in stairwell and never returned)
Sense of self-worth following last break-up, the one that engendered those screaming fits that led to Mrs. Park calling the super to come speak with you, specifically to ask if you were, in fact, Mr. Park reincarnated as a malicious young man, or if you were actually going to defenestrate your former GF (or SO, to be gender-neutral), or if you just needed a hug
Memories of satisfying hugs
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